Something Lost   Leave a comment

I was catching up with a friend who I haven’t spoken to in a while online. I don’t go on AIM as much as I used to, but it was a nice chat overall. It was the usual small talk. We asked about what we’ve been up to. We both have similar answers: Work and sleep. We talked about other things, but our brief conversation about work life got me thinking about my current state of mind.

I’ve blogged about my current job a few times here, specifically its unstable nature (the possibility of my client company not to renew my work contract). I thought I’ve hit the jackpot with my first job after college. I lasted 2 years with the company. Granted I only worked with one of their client companies for approximately 20 months (1 month of training prior and 3 months on work bench before they let me go). I got the next job 2 months after unemployment. I wished for that job to be as good as it gets, but deep down, I knew it wouldn’t last long. The 3rd job was the worst. It was the only job that I knew on the first day I made a bad choice. Worst company ever. I held on and stayed for as long as I could until I got fed up and quit. Then I got my current job.

I was scouring the Internet for IT specialist positions and other computer jobs in my area, sending my updated resume for job postings for 4 months. There were 2 job fairs that I attended that day. I managed to part ways with a few of my printed resumes on the first one. The second one was a bust. That’s when I got a call from a recruiter. I was already fielding another recruiter that week, but it’s always nice to have more than one. There were 2 separate phone interviews held for my current job. The second interview was more technical. I got a little frustrated when I couldn’t answer some of the questions which I knew, but don’t recall the correct terminology. I felt that they were going to cut off my interview short. So I kind of blew off on the interviewers. I told them that I’ve always been stuck, thrown in the fire on my last 3 jobs, not knowing what to do. I managed to come out on top and figure everything. I already called it a miss. I got an offer 2 days later on the Friday before Thanksgiving. They called me in the afternoon, so they gave me until Monday to decide.

Another job I interviewed for was still deciding on whether to hire me. I used my job offer to the other recruiter as a leverage to get an answer from the other company. I had to choose between commuting distance, security and salary. It was a no-brainer. The other job position was 25 minutes away from home, but they haven’t given me an offer. So I drove 2.5-3.5 hours to work every day. After working there for a year, I made an arrangement to work from home for 3 days and 2 days at the office. I still would go to the office when I’m needed. I’ve got the handle on most things for all the applications that our team supports. I’ve proven myself to work independently and ask questions. There’s still that very possibility of my contract ending at a short time’s notice. Yet, I’ve never felt remarkably at ease and exceedingly in my element. That said, I’ll have to apologize for the next paragraph.

Life is now just a bunch of chores. I wake up feeling groggy. Exercise. I drive to work or log on to my work laptop from home. Eat meals. Watch TV. Browse online. Social media. Videogames. Sleep. I do these routines in random fashion. Some I don’t even do that day. The weekends have been as mundane as ever. These past year, my weekends have been “me time” for the most part. I don’t hang out with friends as much as I used to. I certainly don’t go out of my way to go to group events and such. It’s too boring, but I’m not complaining.

Just a few years prior, I wanted to do something new whenever I can. I don’t have the same drive or feeling. Not sure what I’m feeling these days. It’s a fine line between contentment and emptiness. This usually leads to me having very deep and existential thoughts right before I go to sleep. Then I wake up and forget about it. I feel like a completely different person. The “me” 5 years ago is strangely foreign and unrecognizable.

Usually, I end my posts with an afterthought where I come to an understanding with all the points I brought up while writing. This time, I don’t have an answer. I guess you could say this is just as much of an afterthought, but it’s not the same. Something is lost. What “it” was that I had 5 years ago, I want “it” back.

I’m done.

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Posted June 21, 2014 by StupidSystemus in Musings, Personal

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