TL;DR Movie Reviews for Winter, Spring, Summer, Some of Fall 2013   2 comments

  1. Hansel & Gretel – A good start for a potentially-new franchise when you cross a Grimms’ fairy tale with Steampunk and dark comedy.
  2. Warm Bodies – Definitely a better love story than Twilight.
  3. Identity Theft – Jason Bateman in another supporting role with NOT Will Smith (ahem *Hancock*) as the lead role.
  4. A Good Day to Die Hard (Die Hard 5) – It’s like the “Ernie Goes To” series, except it’s Bruce Willis as John McClane and he goes to Russia. Instead of hilarity ensuing, it’s killing and blowing stuff up.
  5. Oz: The Great and Powerful – A prequel to the Wizard of Oz with James Franco and a talking monkey.
  6. The Croods – The Flinstones 3D.
  7. Oblivion – Tom Cruise Promoting Scientology Part 4? 5?
  8. Iron Man 3 – Marvel milk’s franchise… news at 11.
  9. The Great Gatsby – Leonardo DiCaprio continues being the most underrated actor ever.
  10. Star Trek: Into Darkness – Benedict Cumberbatch, Klingons, Time-travelling old Spock and more lens flares.
  11. Fast & Furious 6 – It’s no longer about living life a quarter mile at a time. Heck, they got a tank.
  12. The Hangover III – It stopped being a comedy and turned into a real kidnapping/hostage movie.
  13. Now You See Me – It’s like The Avengers, except with magicians… and Morgan Freeman.
  14. The Internship – A great movie about Google back in 2005. A tamer version of Wedding Crashers… also in 2005.
  15. Man of Steel – If Superman was done the right way with Dragonball Z fighting and the Chris Nolan/David Snyder moral-dilemma treatment.
  16. This Is the End – Actually a very funny well-written comedy movie.
  17. World War Z – jump-starting the shuffling/dragging vs running zombies once again.
  18. Despicable Me 2 – More cuteness overload with the Minions.
  19. Pacific Rim – A giant mech/robot/monster movie done well. Looks like a new franchise is born.
  20. The Conjuring – You will shit your pants and have the hair on your arms standing up.
  21. The Wolverine – If Wolverine was given the Christopher Nolan down-to-earth treatment and lost his powers. That’s how boring this movie was. The only saving grace is the teaser for next year’s X-Men movie, uniting the cast of First Class and who would come back from The Last Stand.
  22. Elysium – from the director that brought you District 9. Stars MAAAAATT DAAAAAMON!!! And Jodie Foster.
  23. Jobs – Ashton Kutcher has portrayed Steve Jobs pretty well. Could have used slightly better writing, though.
  24. Instructions not INCLUDED – Tear jerker of a comedy drama.
  25. Insidious 2 – Bigger budget and scarier than the first.
  26. Gravity – Who would have thought that two people floating in space would be so intense and thought provoking?

I’m done.

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Posted October 6, 2013 by StupidSystemus in Movies

Tagged with , , , , , , ,

2 responses to “TL;DR Movie Reviews for Winter, Spring, Summer, Some of Fall 2013

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  1. I need to go to the movies more.

  2. I’m sorry to hear that Wolverine isn’t good. It was supposed to be better than the first one—uh oh. I hated Identity Theft. Watched ten minutes of it, then gave up. Kinda liked Hansel and Gretel: The last Bourne movie in the fairy tale Dark Ages with a woman thrown in. A Good Day to Die Hard was exciting; I like the blowing up of things and car chases.

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