When It’s Difficult   Leave a comment

Otakon ended 6 weeks ago. It was my fifth consecutive time going and seventh overall. I already booked my hotel for next year in advance, so I think I’m going. Maybe. Depends if I have other plans.

2009-2010 were my most depressing years. After the convention ended, I didn’t feel like doing anything. Physically, Otakon was exhausting. I wanted it to keep going. Many con-goers call it “post con depression.” I just wanted to keep my mind stimulated with all the fun stuff I was getting into at the Otakon. I didn’t want to face reality… put my mind back into sadness.

I’ve moved on from that mindset. I guess you could say I toughened up, having grown multiple layers of defense mechanisms to combat the daily stresses of life. This has its merits, but I don’t think it’s necessarily a good thing. For one, I catch myself being cynical. I saw this more on the healing stages three years back. Overall, I’ve grown to be more accepting and forgiving. I fight my battles when it’s necessary and ignore the rest.

I’ve always been particularly observant. I’ve toned it down a notch in my college years. Last month at Otakon, I noticed at least 5 people with cutting scars on their limbs, their shoulders, upper leg or the side of their abdomen. I reasoned in my head that maybe those were accidental scars, but I was being too polite. Those cuts were deliberate and lined up. I’m not a cutter, but I’d be ashamed and cover up those scars. Then I realized where I was.

It’s Otakon. Many of us there have our own stories. Everyone has their own demons. We fight our battles as best as we could. We’re all drawn to this convention for different reasons. For me, I wanted to escape my thoughts. People dressed up as fictional characters in anime, videogames and all of “otakudom.” Some bought their costumes. Others worked tirelessly to complete them. Others lost sleep finishing up their anime music videos or choreographed skits for the Masquerade event. I didn’t want to be me for the entire weekend. I embraced praise from strangers united under the same likes and dislikes, free from judgment and empty pitying words of biased friends and families.

I need something like that most of the time. I can only stomach the loneliness as much as possible before I’m drowned in my own thoughts. It doesn’t have to be grandiose. When it’s difficult to bring myself to wake up in the morning, to shower, get dressed up and walk out that door, we need our own little Otakon.

I’m done.

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Posted September 20, 2013 by StupidSystemus in Musings, Personal

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